You’re the last person in the universe.
How long could you survive?
How long would you want to?
“How many times have I been here before?” He thought looking out and down his apartment window. He wouldn’t jump. The fear of heights. The nasty splatter. How would his mom see him? But the wind rushing and the finality of it.
He turned around, went back to desk, pulled out a syringe, and overdosed. Half-intentionally. He could feel his breathing slow. His eyes fell. He had a last minute of fear and regret as the world seemed to collapse on him and that was that.
The next the day the sun rose. No one came into his room the next day. He’s had enough fights with his mom for her to give in and yell “good morning”s and “good night”s and “I love you”s from beyond the closed door. She went to work and came back. Left dinner on the table for him.
At school all his friends thought he must have skipped. Everyone on their own would shoot him a text. His teachers checked with each other and had the administration call home.
The call came. His mom broke down. His friends shook. Even the people at school that had just brushed shoulders with him felt it. There was something off about that school until the population turned over.
In his note he said he couldn’t find a reason to live anymore. He was frustrated. He was tired. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, but he had lost any drive to live his life without a thought as to his mon’s son’s life. Or his friends’ friend’s life. His teachers’ student’s life. His classmates’ peer’s life.
Stealing, taking sleep away
Reminding, keeping me awake
Sleeping, keeping thoughts at bay
Feeling, don’t know what to say
Feeling, nothing left to say
Demons, hiding in my brain
Screaming, driving me insane
Keeps saying, I got angels on the way
Guiding me the way, providing me the way
But I can’t see the way.
Too tired to make it all the way.
I need someone to help me on my way.
The Devil coming, I need God to take me away.
Sometimes, alone at night, I can’t help but hold on to my phone
wishing someone would call or text or reach out
wishing I had someone to call or text or reach out to
someone that understood
Other times I go out between dusk and dawn and wander around
when the town sleeps and I’m alone in the streets.
I can’t help but feel free…
If only for a little bit.
The day came to an end. It was nice. The weather had cleared up and he spent the whole day relaxing and playing with friends. He came home and sat down, grooving to his favourite song. It was almost midnight and he was tired. He put his headphones to rest and went to brush his teeth.
And he realized, standing there, facing himself in the mirror that he was alone. His chest started to tighten and he had to fight to breathe. The bathroom started to close in. And in the quiet, silent, lonely moment he hated what he saw in the mirror. This caricature of a person that everyone else thought was him.
He wasted day after day pretending to connect, not saying what was really on his mind. He wasn’t fake, but he wasn’t real either. The fear that stopped him from doing anything worthwhile turned into a worry of ending up mediocre with superficial friends and a shallow life.
He put his toothbrush down and put in his earbuds again.
I’ve never seen Dad weak, but his voice shook and for the first time in my life he said he wasn’t okay.
Dad has had heart attacks and been kicked by horses. He’s gone through some rough patches financially and mentally but he never admitted any vulnerabilities.
I can’t imagine how you must be taking this. I’m sorry I can’t help.
I’ll be the first to admit. I don’t always like you and I’m sure you don’t always like me. But Dad I love you.
It’s funny, every time I fight with myself I always seem to lose.
Life is terrific.
Only way to survive is to realize that life sucks and then you die
One of my sisters hasn’t talked to my mom for a year.
I haven’t talked to the other sister in six.
My parents haven’t talked in fourteen.
And now they’re all in the same cramped hospital room in the day and the same cramped hostel at night.
I reach out just to back out.
The sun’s out but it’s dark out.
I wanna drink ’till I black out.
Not thinking, it’s like whiteout.
So I smile out with my teeth out.
And I joke about my life now.
But, God damn, I need a time out.
I’m just stressed. I’m depressed
The ability for self-care has diminished to no end
It won’t stop. It won’t halt.
It’s a mess how a mess I am.
There’s no breath in my chest.
There’s no fight for life.
I just want it all to end.
Time for me to pretend to be