Short Stories · These Four Walls

I. The Beginning (These Four Walls)

Jonathan lay in his bed tossing and turning but the moment his mind drifted from trying to find a comfortable position the images would come back.  He wanted to scream but when he opened his mouth nothing would come out but a whimper.

He was exhausted.  Everything that happened actually happened.  And it happened fast.  ‘A miracle’ they said.  Everyone from the 911 operator to the paramedics called it a miracle.  Paul’s legs were shattered, his left arm was hanging by the skin that kids his age make jokes of, and you could see Paul struggling to breathe.  And miraculously—although unfortunately for Jonathan—Paul was still completely conscious.  It reminded him of a scene from Evil Dead.  What a fucking miracle.

“Aaaaaaah, you got to get shwifty.”  Jonathan rolled around and reached to turn his off his phone, but thought given the circumstances people might want to reach him.  He looked around and saw the sun was starting to rise and the annoying little blue jay that always came by was already making a mess of the balcony.

“Hello.”

“Hello, this Ellie from the Coquitlam Victim Services Unit.  Can we speak to Jonathan?”

“This is h—  I’m hi—  I’m Jonathan.”  What an awkward question he thought.

The victim services lady asked Jonathan about how he was doing and he answered truthfully.  He slept about 2 hours in bits.  He only ate a bag of cheetos or two.  But at least he drank a lot of water.  And tomorrow he’d be meeting up with a couple friends.  The lady asked if Jonathan had considered counseling and if he would like a referral and if she could touch base with him next week.  He hadn’t, he might, and she might as well to make sure he wasn’t going to do anything stupid.  They never would end up calling back.  Probably because of more important things to deal with.

He was awake and it was morning and he thought it was probably best to get up but his limbs felt heavy and he could swear he could feel that his blood was coming to a full stop.  If it weren’t for his dislike of sharp things, letting out some of the pressure didn’t seem like a bad idea.

Two figures at a distance were watching Jonathan with great interest.

“I told you.  Everyone has a breaking point.”  One said to the other.

“He’s just struggling.  He’ll come around.”

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Short Stories · These Four Walls

II. Korean-Burrito (These Four Walls)

Jonathan and two of his friends were off to get some Korean burritos and play Scrabble with their version of the dictionary.  It had been two days since the incident and Jonathan was dealing with this the same way he did with everything else.

His friends knew what had happened but not in detail.  Jonathan updated them as matter-of-factly as he could. “But I guess that’s where the saying comes from.  Hit like a truck.”  He tried to laugh at his own joke; it almost made him puke.

“Real talk though.  You think you’re gonna visit?”

“I don’t know if I will.”  Pause.  “I don’t know if I can.”

There was a “hmm” of understanding from the other two in the car.  And that was that.  The three of them were off to get some Korean burritos and play Scrabble with their version of the dictionary.

Short Stories · These Four Walls

III. Duty & Masturbation & (These Four Walls)

Wednesday.  Jonathan stared at his phone watching the clock app for the first time.  The second hand trudged along.

Half a week had passed and half a week remained until another Sunday.  He really didn’t want to go.  Maybe he’d take a break.  He supposed, either way, he really should address it with his volunteers first.  Then take a break, if he needed to.

He went to the Facebook group page and started his post the way he always did.  He talked about what had happened.  How they really need to figure out how to deal with Paul and evidently whatever changes they had made before were not working out.  He took responsibility as the leader of the group and he took responsibility as a Christian who had failed to show love.  He told them he needed to take a break.  Then he signed off the way he always did.

He stared at the post for a while.  He changed a few words here and there.  He took some of the emotionally charged items out and tried to sound reassuring in the parts that explained what had happened calling it “a miracle.”  And after the technical challenge of writing the piece was over—which he thought he did well enough—he hit post.  He clicked away before the content of it became too real, but the notifications of likes and responses brought him back.

He turned on Discord.  No one was up.  Of course.  He tried playing his little game alone, but thought it sounded a little pathetic.

He knew he should go for a walk or do something productive, but he had no energy to listen to his body that begged for food, exercise, or sunlight.  So he did what he thought any rational person would do and went on YouTube.  But, of course, out of the thousands of hours being uploaded daily, there was nothing left to watch.  He tried listening to some music but couldn’t get past more than five seconds of any song.  Then, after the ritual of escalating his avoidance tactics, he did what he always ended up doing when he got stressed.

He opened a new window in incognito mode.  He got himself some tissue and a bit of lotion.  He went and surfed his regular sites begging God or the devil to help him find something that could take his mind off forgetting that he found masturbation boring too.  He scanned various clips looking for the ones with the narratives that got him off the most and came as quickly he could.

When he finished he just sat there looking at his screen.  The clock in the bottom corner trudged along.

Short Stories · These Four Walls

IV. Counselling (These Four Walls)

Jonathan stood outside the front of the Denny’s near his house.  He had one of those puffy jackets on and was scanning the parking lot under his baseball cap which was pulled a little too down. He knew he looked a little shady; he just couldn’t seem to keep his head up.  Soon enough his pastor would arrive.

They sat down opposite one another.  Jonathan kept his head down but took his cap off, worried that it would come off as disrespectful.  Every now and then, he forced himself to look away from his hands fidgeting underneath the table, but never could look straight ahead.  The whole time, he hoped he wouldn’t send the wrong message.

The pastor asked how Jonathan was doing, if he ate, and what he would like.  Jonathan hadn’t eaten but didn’t think he could.  The pastor reassured Jonathan that it was alright and how Paul was doing really well, not just physically but Paul had been a lot more receptive to his parents’ advances in the hospital.

“You know, no one blames you.  Paul’s parents have nothing but sympathy for you.”

He didn’t know how to take it.  Here he was getting consoled indirectly by the family whose boy had been in a terrible accident.  How could Paul’s body be in better shape than his?

“You shouldn’t live with this guilt.  No one is putting you on trial.  Not Paul, not the family, and, most importantly, not God.  Sometimes tragedies happen but God is in control.  I don’t know why he allows such things, but he is in control.  And he loves you.”

Jonathan could see where he was going.  But none of that really mattered.  If God was so involved in what happened, then he failed God too.  And sure, he agreed that God loved him, but so what?  Jonathan didn’t see how God’s forgiveness translated to forgiving himself.  Of course, none of that left his lips.

“You can’t take all the responsibility.  Paul has some responsibility.  The parents do too.  I definitely do as the leader of this church.  And so does the driver who was going a little too fast.  If you want to take responsibility, divide it evenly.  You aren’t responsible for another person’s life.”

Jonathan accepted that; he just didn’t care about how others fit into the picture.  He caused Paul, who he knew to be emotionally unstable, to have a tantrum that led to Paul storming off.  He watched with a ‘not-again’ attitude as Paul made his grand exit out of the church.  And he didn’t rush to follow after him.  Sure he didn’t do anything particularly egregious, but it was all the same to him.  He was put in charge of the children and he did not do everything in his ability to immediately rectify the situation.  No amount of “focusing on God’s love” would change that.  Again, he kept his thoughts to himself.

His pastor prayed for Jonathan and thanked him for meeting.  Jonathan thanked his pastor for his words, his time, and his offer for food.  He put on his puffy jacket and left with his hat pulled a little too down.

Short Stories · These Four Walls

V. Church (These Four Walls)

Sunday rolled around and Jonathan found himself at his own service.  He was taking the day off from his regular duties but he thought he might as well come sing songs and listen to a sermon.  Maybe he’d have some revelation or something.  If nothing else, he’d some lunch with friends.

Most of the few people that knew what happened gave warm smiles but didn’t know what else to do.  Jonathan supposed that was the best approach.  It was better than the others that came up and asked if he had gone to visit almost implying that he should.  When Jonathan expressed his anxiety about going, they were always quick to tell him of the importance of self-care without realizing the irony of the situation.  Then they’d leave smiling at a friend who just entered.  Like clockwork.  Everyone else, including the majority of his friends, had no clue.  Them not knowing helped him forget about it too.

Again, the strangers watching from a distance stood over Jonathan.

“He needs to loosen up.”

“He’s been through a lot.”

“He’s going to snap.”

“He’s stronger than you think.”

Short Stories · These Four Walls

VI. and End (These Four Walls)

‘What’s the point?’  He kept asking himself that.  It’s not that he was searching for meaning, he didn’t even know how you start to answer that question, but the words seemed the most fitting.  What was the point?  Two weeks ago life sucked so much better than this.

The whole not-really sleeping thing was getting to him.  He dropped all but one of his classes which he stopped going to and spent most of the day just playing games.  He tried to force himself to eat at least a meal a day but wasn’t all that successful.  Not surprisingly he felt like shit and stayed that way.  As the days passed, even watching people have sex on screen seemed too bleh to take his mind off of whatever it was his mind was on.

“God.  Just save my seat for someone else.  I just can’t.”

“I told you he’d break” as the figure said this, the other stepped into Jonathan’s room.

The intruder gave Jonathan a start, but nothing more.  Whether it was the malnutrition, the social isolation, or the sleep deprivation, he just didn’t think to question the existence of the intruder.  Besides, the intruder felt familiar.

The intruder never answered Jonathan’s questions.  Sometimes it seemed the intruder was talking more to himself than with anyone else, but Jonathan sat and listened as the intruder spoke.  He didn’t have too much to say.  He agreed with Jonathan.  “Sure, you’re responsible.”  And “Yeah, you failed.”  But ultimately, “so, what?

The conversation came to an end, the intruder left, and Jonathan got no answers.  Nothing had changed.  Life still sucked and it probably would only get worse.  Sleep was hard to find and Jonathan played his games a little too much.  Porn would remain a crutch.  But when he got up the next day, he found himself on the bus to school, bag all packed.  He also found that he was slightly more successful at eating his one meal a day and eventually he’d return to a non-zero amount of exercise.  He even ended up writing a little during his sleepless night.