Poems

The Road I Took

In sweat I woke to the morning cold,
Road on road covered in foggy mist.
Tried to find comfort in lies I’ve told,
But as I look down that cold, cold road,
I thought, ‘there’s no point in doing this.’

There was no choice in these concrete woods
Or none that any difference make.
And I thought of the road I took
And remembered what I always could…
That path I could always take.

And with those thoughts standing idly by,
Picturing that shortcut to the end.
I stood on that no-choice road and I–
I chose to walk down that road not mine
And that has made all the difference.

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Poems

sanctuary

it’s scary how scary the sanctuary can be.
maybe by praying, God can rescue me.
Jesus, Joseph, Mother Mary,
the Father, the Spirit,
Christ i’d pray to the tooth fairy.

i’m going crazy, just waiting for someone to hear me out
waiting for anyone to get me out
before my demons get me now.

Hell
maybe the key is to let them get me
apparently there’s no one left to save me now.

family · Poems

eyes

You looked off camera.
Guess all that theatre experience didn’t prepare you for this.

Dad leaned over your chair to show us the full picture.  You could see how hard he was trying by the veins in his head.
You could see the strain on his face as he wheeled you around the sunny day.
He was smiling with everything but his eyes.

And yours?  You just kept looking off into the distance.  Not blinking.  Not moving.
Apparently you were eating, but I couldn’t see you chewing.
Apparently you were breathing on your own now, but I couldn’t see anything.
No movement, no life, no light in your eyes.
I hope you could see or feel that day was nice at least.

I’m sorry I kept looking away.  My eyes
wander sometimes
looking for something a little simpler to understand.
And for running away to a class I knew I’d be late to.

I guess I’m sorry for a lot more.  To you.  And to mom and dad too.

Poems

doubt.

i wonder if i’ll be happy.
i wonder if, when i’m eighty and i look back, i’ll think it was worth it.
i wonder what my purpose is.

i wonder what love is.
i wonder if i’ll be a good husband
or father
if i’ll love my son or daughter
or if i’ll be caught up with work and finances and
the rest of life that i end up not living.

i wonder if i’ll lose track of the big important things
because of the small details
or if i’ll find a way to focus on the small good things
during the big nasty trials.

i wonder if i’ll be alright.

Poems

Love?

You’d think
you’d think that’s all you need.

But that’s not
no true.  Or so it seems.

I don’t know what to do or how to act.
I don’t know how to be.  Me.
It might make me happy
but this anxiety is overtaking.

But I’m stuck.
I can’t move away or go closer or just be me.
When did this get so
messy?
When did this go so
fast?

The situation that forced confession
that last night, your big fight.
This shit show.  Confusion.

I’d be happy to do nothing with you.

Poems

Redemption

Maybe I’ve fucked up past redemption.
I don’t know right from wrong
and what I think is right for you, I’m not strong enough to carry out.
And I’m out of ideas.  I’m tired of hurting
And I’m tired of hurting you.

Fuck being great, I just want to be good to you.
But everything I do seems like the wrong move.
Too many complications
just want to run away from

everything.

Maybe I’m just meant to be

a failure.

Poems

From Me \ To You

Look, I know I said I wouldn’t say sorry no more.
But I’m sorry.  Sorry is the only word that I can say.
So I’m sorry but I’m going to have to say sorry a few more times.

I’m sorry for making you cry time and time again.
I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my promise.
I guess not everything ends alright.
I’m sorry for making that promise.

I just want so bad to be someone in life that helps.
But I can’t help but see that I’m someone bad to be with.

So I’m sorry I am the way I am.
Thank you for being so accepting.
But I’ve come apart and I don’t think I can be recollected.
So you shouldn’t stay, with the way I am.
You shouldn’t stay with the way I am.

Poems

Bucket List

I remember wanting to “experience life.”
I was scared to death of death.
It felt like this threat was always looming over my head.

Rope, heights, cars, fights, speeding headlights under the moonlight.

I just wanted to “experience life” before…
But this selfish desire for the more memorable
made my mistakes unforgettable and so

I’m sorry, me.
Maybe I should’ve said this sooner.
It seems that my mistakes have made it harder to be you.